


for you in full blossom

by anuttrap



Category: Wanna One (Band)
Genre: Angst, Death, Deephwi, Hanahaki AU, Kinda fluff?, M/M, TW: Suicide, jinhwi, jinhwi fic fest
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-15
Updated: 2018-05-15
Packaged: 2019-05-07 09:51:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,550
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14668535
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anuttrap/pseuds/anuttrap
Summary: the same, poisonous love.the same, poisonous heartbreak.the same, poisonous disease.it wouldn't possibly come down to the same poisonous man, would it?





	for you in full blossom

**Author's Note:**

  * For [jeondoyeom](https://archiveofourown.org/users/jeondoyeom/gifts).



> to my soulmate,  
> i'm sorry for this 9k-word unnecessarily long mess, i tried to make it as angsty as possible just like you wanted, haha (kinda failed though)  
> thanks for the creative prompt, i'd never written something like this before so it was a fun experience for me, hope you enjoy reading too!

Prologue

 

Five. Hands on the railing.

He wiped his sweaty palms on his pants and clutched the railing, trembling.

Four. Feet on the railing.

He slowly lifted his right foot and placed it, his hands turning a shade of crimson from gripping so tightly.

Three. Take a deep breath.

Two. Close your eyes.

One.

_Jump._

 

 

**_ Before. _ **

 

Lee Daehwi was not your typical high school student.

One would wonder whether he was a robot or actually defied laws of physics. He was a ‘picture perfect’ student to say the least. Straight A’s throughout—not even faltering once, class president, head of the music club and countless other things. How he managed to do everything and still look as bright and cheery as ever, no one knows.

“He’s probably the nicest person I’ve ever met,” mused one classmate of his. He was pegged as the most helpful and friendliest person by most, if not all of his peers.

Daehwi had it all under control.

Atleast that’s what he thought.

Until his balance was broken.

Until _he_ showed up.

                                                                     

                                                                    -------------------------------------------

 

It was a few minutes before the morning bell. Daehwi was running around the class as usual, trying to collect everyone’s assignments and get them to the teacher on time. As he rushed past hordes of students, he suddenly banged against something hard.

Something…..that felt distinctly like another human’s forehead.

He looked up, rubbing the spot near his temple and found himself staring at hazel, doe-like eyes. He had opened his mouth to chide him but immediately forgot his words.

“I-I’m s-sor-”

“It’s okay! I’m the one who was standing in the middle of the hallway. I hope your forehead is alright!” the boy smiled brightly, flashing his pearl white teeth.

_Damn it, he’s so….pretty._

“I…It’s okay, I mean, uh, I’m okay,” Daehwi mumbled, scolding himself mentally.

_Pull yourself together, Daehwi. What’s this all of a sudden?_

“You must be new, I haven’t seen you around,” Daehwi managed.

“Yeah! I joined today and I’m actually a bit lost…” He adjusted his backpack shyly. “Could you show me the way to Mr. Baek’s class?”

_Mr. Baek’s class. My class. He’s in my class. The new pretty boy who has somehow managed to render me utterly speechless is in my class._

“S-sure, follow me!” he replied, turning the opposite direction and completely forgetting the pile resting upon his hands that he was supposed to submit. He took a deep breath.

“My name is Lee Daehwi, nice to meet you!” “We’re in the same class, I’m the class president. Maybe later I could show you around the school? It’s a beautiful campus!” Daehwi rambled. Lee Daehwi did not ramble. Ever. He never even stuttered. “And I can lend you my notes too since you’ve missed about a week, oh and also your class schedule will-”

“Woah, woah, slow down a bit,” the boy laughed. “One thing at a time.”

_Embarassing, ugh how embarrassing. This is so unlike you, Daehwi._

On reaching the classroom, Daehwi finally looked down and seemed to realize what he was meant to do. The bell had already rung. He’d _never_ turned in the assignments late. His teachers loved him for that. He felt irritated, at himself, and at this new boy who was making him feel like goo by doing nothing.

“So, this is your new class. Go in, I have an errand to run,” Daehwi muttered and turned around when the boy suddenly tapped his shoulder.

“Hey, I never introduced myself. I’m Park Jihoon!”

 

Calling Park Jihoon the epitome of perfection would be an understatement. Daehwi still couldn’t understand what it was about him that was so captivating. He didn’t understand _why_ he was falling for this boy, one he had known for less than a month.

His friends had definitely noticed this unexplainable change in Daehwi’s behavior. He was always nervously skittering around, something one would never expect from Daehwi, who always walked with an air of confidence.

“Come on, Daehwi. What is happening to you lately?” his best friend Woojin asked him as they were walking home after school one day.

“What do you mean? I’m perfectly fine!” Daehwi replied, trying to maintain his composure.

“Fine? Is that why you forgot to attend two of your club meetings, dropped down four ranks in math and forgot to carry out student council work?” Woojin shot back. “I don’t know if you’ve realized, but pretty much the whole school knows that something is up with you.”

Daehwi hadn’t told anyone about his little—wait, what would he even call it, crush? Infatuation? He shuddered thinking about it. He himself was puzzled as to what was going on with him. Why was Park Jihoon affecting his life without even doing anything?

Daehwi hadn’t spoken to Jihoon much after their first encounter. Of course, they occasionally exchanged a few greetings as Daehwi carried out his leadership duties. But apart from that, _nothing._ Jihoon had already bonded with the wrong clique. The very people who got on his nerves. That one group in class which comprised of the combination that shouldn’t be allowed; the troublemakers, the pranksters, the “bad boys” as they would love to call themselves. The ones that always caused mayhem and got not themselves, but Daehwi into trouble.

Since then, it was impossible to even go near Jihoon. Daehwi found himself staring at Jihoon from afar for unusually long intervals of time. He noticed how Jihoon laughed loudly and chattered with them, realizing that he was already out of his league. Although he hardly interacted with Jihoon, his mind was clouded with thoughts of him. He kept forgetting what he was supposed to do as he could think of nothing else but the way Jihoon looked the previous day, laughing so much that his ears and whole face were the colour of a strawberry. The way he clapped his hands together in enthusiasm, a motion that seemed so graceful coming from him. To others, it probably looked like a seal clapping. He hated himself for it, hated that he could not look away, hated that the image wouldn’t disappear from his mind.

Now, with Woojin glaring at him demanding an answer, he knew he had to let it all out, he _wanted_ , so badly, to tell someone, but always feared what they would think, how they would look at him if they found out. He knew that if it fell upon the wrong ears, things would go utterly, completely haywire.

And that, is exactly what happened as he finally let out all the emotions bottled inside him for so long, as he finally confided in his secret to Woojin. Little did he know, he was being watched. Every single word, being recorded. What came next, nobody would have been prepared for.

                                                                

\----------------------------

**_ After _ **

 

Jinyoung took the same route home each day from work. The unnecessarily long one took him through the Han River Bridge, a place that was not unfamiliar to him, a place that he probably spent more time at than his home.

He traced his fingers on the cold, metal railing as he always did, walking towards his fixed spot, the one he stood at every day, regretting every single decision he’d ever made, contemplating his final decision that he’d spent many hours planning. Every day, he went a step ahead. Today, he managed to put one of his legs on the railing. He felt satisfied.

Baby steps, he told himself. He knew he couldn’t do it all at once. He was too afraid, something that someone like him, someone who was planning what he was planning, shouldn’t be.

Fear.

A deadly emotion.

Fear always got the worst of him. Fear is what led him to do whatever he had done until now. Fear. It drove away every other emotion.

Fear. It ruined his life.

He wouldn’t let the very same fear ruin his plan as well.

 

\----------------------------

 

Daehwi’s job certainly wasn’t your usual 9-5 office job. He’d definitely had his fair share of those, and was unhappy in every one of them. Now, he was finally doing what he always wanted to, something that felt like he was destined to do—helping those in need.

Today was Daehwi’s first day at his new job. He nervously recalled all the training he had undergone the past week, it was the best he’d learned anywhere. ‘You can do this, Daehwi!” he assured himself. He was equally nervous and excited.

_Please let it go well. I hope I don’t mess up._

The first call came in about an hour later.

“Hello, Lifeline hotline. What can I do for you?”

A raspy, barely inaudible voice replied, “I want to die. But I’m scared.”

“Oh, you want to die? Why?” Daehwi asked in a soothing voice.

“Because I hate him. I hate myself. I’m an idiot.”

Daehwi zoomed in on the camera and hurriedly typed his observations.

_Young man, in his early 20s. Disheveled clothes._

“What did he do to you?” Daehwi asked softly.

“H-he…,” the man choked back a sob “He made me fall in love with him.”

As soon as he said this, the man started coughing intensely. Was that blood?

“Oh, do you still love him?” Daehwi continued.

“I-I don’t want to.” A cough again. “I hate myself. I hate myself so much. I hate it. Why did I fall for him? Why? He’s a m-monster I hate myself…I ha…ate myself.” He started weeping.

_Suicidal thoughts due to heartbreak._

_Slightly intoxicated state._

“It’s okay, you can talk to me about it.”

“I thought….he….he was my friend. When did he turn into such a monster? I-I don’t have anyone who understands me anymore.” He coughed into his hand again.

Daehwi didn’t really know what to say at that moment. He forced himself not to think about his dark times, when he was in love too, and had his life ruined because of it. He felt horrible, to think that someone was currently going through a similar situation.

_That’s why you’re here, Daehwi. You need to help him._

“Hey, it’s alright. I’m here for you, okay?” he replied.

He could hear the man choking back a sob. “That’s what they all say. I’m here for you. Haha, what a joke. No one is ever truly there for you when you need them, you know? They use you and throw you away like a fucking tissue paper. I really got fooled by him. I’m an idiot for thinking he was ever different. I have no purpose anymore. Nobody cares if I’m here or not.”

“It’s okay if they don’t care about you. The fact that I’m listening to you right now shows that I care, I really do. You can tell me anything you want.” Daehwi insisted.

“You’re just doing your job.”

Daehwi felt like he had been slapped across his face. He was just doing his job wasn’t he?

_No. Its way more than that. I actually relate to him so much. I need to help him get through this. I know how bad it can be._

“Yes, I am doing my job. But I really do want to be there for you.” _Daehwi, no don’t do this. You know it’s against the rules._ “Give me your number.”

Daehwi didn’t know where he was going with this. He knew he shouldn’t have said that. He knew that his job was limited to lending them an ear and directing them to find help. He knew he shouldn’t cross the borders. But he did it anyways. He knew he _had_ to.

“W-what did you just say?” He coughed again.

I’m probably going to get fired on the first day itself, Daehwi thought to himself. He repeated himself anyways. “Please give me your number.”

The man was quiet for a solid 10 seconds. Then he slowly started mumbling a bunch of numerals. Daehwi managed to write down what he thought he heard. He repeated what he had written down, “Is that right?” he asked.

“I-I think so,” the man muttered back.

He was still facing towards the river so Daehwi couldn’t get a clear look at his face through the pixelated view. He wanted to know what was going through his mind.

“Why are you doing this?” he suddenly asked.

“I told you, I really want to be there for you,” Daehwi replied gently, aware that his call was being recorded but brushed the thought away. “Will you tell me your name?”

“My name…My name is Bae Jinyoung.”

Jinyoung. What a beautiful name, Daehwi thought.

_I’m going to help you overcome this, Jinyoung. I swear I will._

                                                                   -----------------------------------------------

 

Daehwi woke up around noon and suddenly recalled last night’s events. His first day at his new job as a helpline operator. His first phonecall. Bae Jinyoung. He hadn’t been told off by anyone thankfully. Were they letting him off the hook? No, it was too soon to tell. He remembered bidding goodbye to his superior without looking him in the eye and hurriedly rushing out at 4 am.

Whatever happened, he knew he had to help Jinyoung. I can do this, he assured himself.

Daehwi trudged to the washroom and looked at himself in the mirror. His eyes were red and puffy, his hair a tangled mess, and his lips cracked and pale. His condition was worsening day by day and he couldn’t do anything about it. He forced himself to cough it out, each day, but nothing was changing other than his throat getting rougher and more painful.

Daehwi suffered from a disease. One that was unheard of. He was very well aware that no doctor could treat it. He had no choice other than to live with it. Daehwi suffered from a disease formed due to being in love. Especially the worst of its kind, unrequited love.

He had heard of similar cases before, but they all held one difference with what Daehwi had acquired. Their cases involved coughing out petals, due to not having your feelings returned. However, there was a cure—surgery. The only drawback? You’d lose your feelings.

Daehwi actually wished that was his case. He wished he did something earlier. He wished he _realized_ earlier. But now, it was too late. He knew his end was nearing and that he could not do anything about it except to wait.

He hadn’t told anyone about it. He’d been holding on to this secret as if it were his life ever since he got it. He hadn’t told Park Woojin, his best friend who had moved abroad to pursue his dreams. He hadn’t even told his sister, the only family he had left and cherished so much. Nobody knew, that Daehwi was suffering, from this toxic disease, which resulted in him not coughing out petals, but the petals getting piled up in his lungs.

He could always tell when they were forming. He felt a burning, slightly tickling sensation at the base of his throat. Every time he tried to cough them out, he failed. The only way he could get the petals out was forcing himself to vomit, which always came about with bouts of blood. So he never knew. Never knew what colour the petals were. Never had a chance to find out.

Daehwi had thankfully gotten through this god-awful phase of his life, although there were a million obstacles along this way. It had been long since the petals had stopped forming, stopped torturing the life out of him. But over the years, his throat had weakened and his lungs, completely deteriorating. It destabilized his whole working, causing him to become weaker and weaker each day.

That’s when he decided to dedicate the rest of his life, however longer it lasted, to helping those who need him. Those people, who just need a hand to hold theirs, an ear to listen to them. That was all it took. He never looked back and regretted his choices, instead, lived each day to his fullest.

Daehwi picked up his phone and looked at the time. It was half past noon. “Would now be a good time to call him?” Daehwi wondered. He was suddenly extremely curious and wanted to know everything about him. “What does he work as? How does he _look_ like?”

On the tenth ring, a half asleep, throaty voice answered, “Who is this?”

_Is that how he starts all his phone calls?_

“Bae Jinyoung, right? My name is Lee Daehwi. Do you remember speaking to me last night?”

A pause. A cough.

He replied back after what seemed like an eternity later, “Oh wow, you were serious.”

Daehwi lowered his tone to a gentler one, “Of course I was. I meant everything I said.”

“You don’t even know anything about me.”

“You’re right, I don’t. Which is exactly why I called you. I want to get to know you. I want to help you.”

“That’s not fair, is it? You’ll know everything about me, but I don’t know anything about you. I haven’t even seen you. Whats your name again?” he snapped.

Daehwi realized that that was the most he’d ever heard Jinyoung say in one breath. He smiled and answered, “I’m Daehwi. Lee Daehwi. Nice to meet you.”

“How do I know you’re not some 50 year old man gathering distressed youths and tricking them into joining his cult?”

Daehwi laughed. Jinyoung really said the strangest things. “Well, do I sound that old to you?”

Another long pause. “You sound nice.”

Daehwi was taken aback by the sudden compliment. What was that?

“Thanks?” Daehwi laughed. “Don’t worry. I’m none of those things. I’m probably around your age, and all I want is to help you, okay?”

“22?” Jinyoung uttered suddenly.

“What?”

“Are you 22?”

“I’m…21…actually,” Daehwi simply replied. He knew he would mostly meet those older than him, he was always the youngest everywhere. Knowing that Jinyoung was just a year older didn’t really surprise him.

“Wow.”

_How does he make one syllable sound so beautiful?_

“Do you want to meet me?” Daehwi blurted.

Silence.

“Do you want to meet up?” he repeated.

After one of his usual, agonizing pauses, Jinyoung quietly replied.

“Alright.”

\-----------------------------------------

 

They had decided to meet up at a park which was quite close to where Daehwi had first seen Jinyoung. Daehwi checked his watch. He’d been waiting there for about 15 minutes now and still no sign of Jinyoung. Did he decide not to show up after all? He wouldn’t do that, would he?

There were butterflies in his stomach. He was actually a little excited too, to meet this man. This man who he had known for less than 24 hours, but knew had shared the same story as him. He looked around in anticipation.

A couple of minutes later, Daehwi saw Jinyoung walking towards him. He held his phone in one hand and nervously looked to his left and right. Daehwi had told him what he would be wearing so that he could spot him easily. Jinyoung came closer and closer, and finally halted, as his eyes landed upon Daehwi. The two of them made eye contact, and Daehwi put on the warmest smile he could manage.

Bae Jinyoung was just as beautiful as he sounded. He had small, round eyes and an equally small face, barely the size of a fist. His warm tanned skin reminded Daehwi of autumn, and all the wonderful things associated with it. His eyes, which were dull and dreary widened the slightest bit as soon as he saw Daehwi.

“Hi!” Daehwi said brightly. Jinyoung was still standing and surveying him from head to toe.

Daehwi opened his mouth again, “I’m Dae—”

“Yeah, yeah I know,” Jinyoung quickly mumbled.

“It’s okay, don’t be afraid,” Daehwi slowly said.

“I’m not afraid, I’m just…..”

“Skeptical?” Daehwi offered.

“I don’t trust anyone.” Jinyoung simply stated.

“That’s okay. You don’t have to trust me. I just want you to know that I’m here to listen.”

“Listen? How long will you even listen? Nobody has that much time in their hands,” Jinyoung barked.

Daehwi took a deep breath, “It’s your choice whether you want to talk to me or not. If you do, I’m here, no matter how long it takes. You don’t need to worry about me.”

Jinyoung muttered, “I-I don’t even know where to begin.”

“Let’s start with the basics. What do you do?” Daehwi questioned.

“I….I’m an actor.”

“Oh, that’s amazing!” Daehwi replied in awe. “What have you worked on?”

Jinyoung named a couple of TV programs that Daehwi realized he’d never even heard of.

“I know, I know,” Jinyoung sighed as he saw Daehwi’s confused look. “They may not be popular, but it was a pretty big deal to me. I finally had an actual job. All because of _him._ ”

Daehwi was about to say something but Jinyoung continued, “That’s what I hate the most now. I hate myself for hanging on to him, for getting into everything because of him. And not because of my own hard work. Now, I can’t even escape him.”

Daehwi figured that once Jinyoung got comfortable he never stopped talking. Jinyoung went on, “The project…I’m currently working on, it’s my first show working with well-known names in the industry. This time, I really thought I made it. Really thought it was due to my own work that I was contacted.” He sighed, “But, of course, it was he who made the recommendation. I should’ve known. Why else would they care about a nobody like me? I hate him so much, I don’t know why he’s still doing this to me.”

“And you know what the worst part is? He’s the main lead. I’m supposed to work alongside him. But I can’t. I won’t. I lost my will to live anyways.”

Daehwi wasn’t sure what to say. He slowly asked, “When did you two meet?”

Jinyoung hesitated a bit before answering, “We met in college. We were….were best friends. Or at least that was what I thought.” He cleared his throat. “He was so nice to me when nobody else bothered, you know? He helped me with every single thing. It was all going well. Until….”

“Until?” Daehwi prodded.

Jinyoung coughed dryly. “Until…I fell in love with him.”

Now this. This, Daehwi could understand. He closed his eyes, willing himself not to remember the wisps of petals lying at the base of his throat, the pain he went through. He opened his eyes and noticed Jinyoung suddenly having a fit of coughing. He was about to ask him if he was alright when Jinyoung clutched his mouth tightly and started hurriedly walking away. Concerned, Daehwi started to follow.

He found Jinyoung in a clearing behind the bushes, a handkerchief in one hand, drenched with blood, and his other hand tightly curled into a ball. Daehwi, shocked and confused, ran towards him.

“Jinyoung, what happened?” Daehwi gasped.

“It’s nothing, go away,” he whispered in a gruff voice.

Daehwi slowly walked closer to him and took his fist in his own hand. He looked up to see tears glistening on his cheeks. Jinyoung noticed Daehwi looking and quicky wiped them away with the back of his hand.

Daehwi slowly uncurled each finger, which had turned white from pressing them so forcefully. When his fist was open, his eyes widened in horror at what he saw.

Petals. Small, round petals. All of them a shade of dark pink.

Jinyoung quickly snatched his hand away and turned his back. Daehwi stood there, dumbfounded, not knowing what to say.

_He has it too. The disease. He still has it._

Daehwi put a hand on Jinyoung’s shoulder and slowly turned him around. He looked directly into his eyes and asked, “You’re still in love with him aren’t you?”

Jinyoung immediately looked away and squeezed out.” from Daehwi’s grip. “I..I’m…Y-you don’t understand.”

“I know about your disease.”

Jinyoung quickly turned around, “You do? Wait..by any chance do—”

_I can’t tell him I have it too. I shouldn’t. Won’t it just add on to his distress?_

Daehwi cut him off before he could continue, “No, I don’t. I may have known someone who did, though.”

“What….what did they do?” he whispered.

Daehwi inhaled deeply, “They got over their feelings.”

Jinyoung shut his eyes tightly closed. His hand automatically changed into a fist.

“I can’t. I’ve tried. It’s not _happening_.”

Daehwi slowly guided Jinyoung toward a bench and they both sat down. “What do you mean it’s not happening? You keep saying you hate him, yet—”

“I do hate him, I hate every single thing he has ever done for me. I’m tired of seeing his face each day and feeling like absolute shit.” Jinyoung rubbed his eyes. “The petals, they aren’t going away. I have no fucking clue why. I really do hate him.”

“Maybe, deep down, you still do feel things for him. You probably think you don’t, but it might be there. Just a thread. After all, you said you fell in love with him in college. Such profound feelings don’t just go away when you want them to. Trust me, I know.” Daehwi took a deep breath.

“What do you know?” Jinyoung scoffed. “Do you know how hard it is to live? Do you know how much pain I’ve been going through, every single day weighing down on my shoulders?”

Daehwi quietly said, “I know, because I’ve been through this. The exact same situation. Why else do you think I’m so keen on helping you out and being there for you? Because I _know_ how awful it can be.”

“Tell me more,” Jinyoung muttered. “About you. Your life. I told you about mine.”

“There isn’t really much to tell. I’ve always wanted to live happily, no matter how many hurdles come along the way. And I guess that’s what I’m doing right now, looking at the bright side of every little thing. Living each day to my fullest.” Daehwi decided not to mention anything about his past. He wished he could completely erase that portion of his life, but of course, the fate of his present relied on his past.

“What’s your favorite colour?” Jinyoung suddenly blurted.

“Is that what you’re curious about?” Daehwi laughed, “Pink, like cotton candy. Who said boys can’t like pink?”

“I see,” Jinyoung mumbled while fidgeting with his hands. “Mine used to be lavender, like lilacs. But now it’s black, like death.”

Daehwi took Jinyoung’s hands in his own, “Hey, don’t say that. It’s not going to solve anything. You can get out of this. You _will_ get out of this, I promise.”

Jinyoung never made eye-contact, Daehwi realized. He always looked away, or looked down. Daehwi lifted his chin to meet his eyes. He could see tears forming in Jinyoung’s eyes.

“I just…I didn’t really see any purpose in living anymore. I’m all by myself in this world. I don’t have any commitments. Why not just leave?”

“Bae Jinyoung, you’re just 22. You have a whole life ahead of you. Think about how many young people have their life unwillingly snatched away from them. I know you’re going through one of the worst phases ever, I know the path ahead looks dark and bleak, but you have the power to change it. You can change your life.” Daehwi forced himself to push back the tears that were now forming in his eyes.

“I…I don’t know what to say. Nobody has ever said such words to me before, it feels s-so pleasing and..” Jinyoung trailed off, wiping his tears that were now running down his cheeks.

“I swear I’m not like the others, okay? I really am here for you. I won’t throw you away like they did. You’re not alone.”

“T-thanks…I-I-,” Jinyoung choked on his words. “I-I really hope you mean it.”

They stayed there for a couple more hours, Daehwi trying to distract Jinyoung and himself by telling him his funny experiences, or asking him silly questions. He didn’t realize how fast time passed, it was already time for his shift.

He bid goodbye to Jinyoung and rushed to work. On the way, a thought suddenly struck him. Jinyoung hadn’t smiled at all. Not even a hint of it, the whole day.

_I want to see him smile. How much more beautiful would he look if he smiled? I need to see him smile._

\-----------------------------

 

The following week, Daehwi and Jinyoung met up almost every day, Daehwi initiating it each time. He took Jinyoung to all his favorite places, bought him all his favorite things, his favorite food. Each time, Jinyoung and Daehwi shared a bit of their lives to each other, Daehwi always trying to direct his focus to the happiest moments of his life.

It was Saturday, and Daehwi was currently trying to persuade Jinyoung to go to the amusement park with him. They conversed through text a lot nowadays, Jinyoung always sending one, or two word replies to Daehwi’s ten very long, emoji filled messages. Jinyoung never sent emojis, not even a smiley face. Daehwi often joked about, purposely sending him extra smileys to make him happy.

_I need to see you smile. I need to see you be happy._

After about an hour of coaxing and sweet talking through the phone, Jinyoung, exasperated by this point finally replied, “Fine, I’ll go.”

On hearing those three words, Daehwi felt like he was on cloud nine. He hadn’t been to the amusement park in almost 5 years. He was so ready to go, especially with Jinyoung.

If Daehwi had to be honest with himself, yes he was selfish. Yes, he was doing it for his own happiness too. But he wouldn’t have done it, if it wasn’t with Jinyoung. He wanted to experience as much as he could, with the person who needed him the most.

As soon as they walked into the amusement park, Daehwi suddenly felt like a kid. He was eager to try out every single thing. Jinyoung, however, did not look half as excited as Daehwi.

Daehwi linked his arm through Jinyoung’s, “Everything okay?”

“The last time I came here was with him. Actually it was with a whole group of people. But he made me feel lik—”

Jinyoung was suddenly shut by Daehwi’s palm across his mouth. “Shhh,” Daehwi shouted. “Are you really going to live like that? You wouldn’t be able to go _anywhere_ if you keep thinking about him. No wonder you still cough up petals all the time,”

Jinyoung was quiet for a second, and then broke away from Daehwi’s grip and started to walk away. Daehwi knew he shouldn’t have said that, but it was the truth. Jinyong had been constantly coughing up petals, the exact same ones he’d seen when they first mt. There didn’t seem to be any signs of it going away. Daehwi kept wondering what he was doing wrong.

He bought the cutest matching headbands he could find and sprinted to catch up with Jinyoung. He was out of breath when he finally reached Jinyoung, who was queueing up for the pirate ship ride. Daehwi placed the headband on Jinyoung’s head from behind and put an arm around him.

“Don’t be mad, please?” He begged.

“Whatever.” Jinyoung grunted.

“It’s just frustrating, you know? I’ve been trying so hard to take your mind off him, to let you overcome this, yet all of you can think of is him. Why do you think your disease isn’t going away?”

“I-I know. I’m sorry. I don’t want to think about it either. I hate it. I really hate it, Jinyoung sighed.

_I’m sorry. That was the first time Jinyoung had uttered those words. It felt comforting to hear._

Daehwi had condensed his story and told Jinyoung only what he needed to know. Jinyoung knew he’d suffered through a similar heartbreak because of a boy, and knew that Daehwi had overcome it. Had worked his way out of it. Daehwi wanted that solely to be Jinyoung’s motivation.

He had managed to hide everything about his disease, about what he was going through and what it might lead to. He didn’t want to shatter Jinyoung’s progress.

_It’s not really lying. It’s for the best. For him._

Daehwi kept dragging Jinyoung to ride after ride, and about 8 hours later, Jinyoung was sure they’d tried everything the park had to offer. Daehwi, however was persistent on staying for the fireworks.

“There’s still an _hour_ until the fireworks,” Jinyoung sighed. “Let’s just go home.”

_Home. He said home._

_Not, I want to go home._

_But, let’s go home._

Hope was blossoming in Daehwi’s chest piece by piece. He’s almost there, he thought. He can do it. We can do it.

                                                         -------------------------------

Two hours and a very infuriated Jinyoung later, they decided to head back. Daehwi looked back on the day’s events, remembering how he’d seen Jinyoung scream on the rollercoaster and tease him for being scared on the ferris wheel. He recalled how Jinyoung suddenly became clingy the whole day, never letting go of his arm. Was this going to become his favorite day? Or would it be the day he saw Jinyoung’s beaming smile, one that he knew would light up his whole world?

“Do you want to come to my place?” Daehwi slowly asked as they reached the intersection where they had to part ways.

Jinyoung was quiet for a moment. Then he slowly nodded his head. Daehwi smiled warmly on seeing his response.

They both didn’t say a word on the way, until Jinyoung suddenly said, “Tell me about your family.”

That was another part of his life Daehwi had kept concealed. It still pained him to talk about his family, and he never spoke about it out loud to anyone. Maybe, Jinyoung was an exception. Maybe this time, he would do the listening.

“My parents…they passed away in a car crash when I was 5,” Daehwi murmured. “My parents were both only children. I’d never heard them talk about any relatives. In my traumatized state, I was suddenly picked up by some distant uncle who I never knew existed. I knew he was struggling to make a living and was only keeping me because he was obliged to. I worked hard to save up as much as I could and finally started living on my own in high school.” _And that’s when everything went downhill. That’s when I made the mistake of falling in love with him._

“I feel like such a brat now,” Jinyoung admitted. “You really are a strong person, Daehwi. I really didn’t expect that.”

“Anyways, that was a long time ago. As you can see, I’m past all that and trying to live as happily as possible. I would love it if you could do the same, Jinyoung. That’s all I want,” Daehwi said.

“I..I’m trying my best. I really appreciate everything you’re doing for me. I know I’ve never said things like this before but I mean it, I’m really thankful. Thank you for being there.” Jinyoung lightly pecked Daehwi’s cheek.

Flustered, Daehwi looked away. He could feel his ears turning red. What was that for?

Jinyoung immediately realized what he’d done and started stuttering, “I-I…uh, that was to say thanks. I was uh, thanking, uh, thanking you.”

“Well, if that’s the way you say thank you, I would love to be thanked more by you,” Daehwi grinned.

Jinyoung blushed and turned his head shyly. The two walked wordlessly, and Daehwi slowly took Jinyoung’s hand in his and interlocked their fingers. “Is this okay?” he looked at Jinyoung who just nodded.

Jinyoung was absolutely surprised on stepping into Daehwi’s house. It looked as good as new. There wasn’t a single speck of dust, or any sign of disarray. Everything was neat and tidily arranged. It was beautiful.

They walked towards his bedroom, still hand-in-hand, and Jinyoung was even more amazed. Filling every inch of his walls were drawings, paintings, and quotes. All of them related to life, to happiness. There was a single framed picture on the bedside table, of him and another boy who was grinning widely, flashing his snaggletooth.

“My best friend, Woojin,” Daehwi said when he noticed Jinyoung looking at the photo intently. “I haven’t seen him in years though, ever since he went abroad.”

They sat on Daehwi’s bed and talked for a while before exhaustion wore them over and they both fell asleep side by side, in each other’s warmth. If Daehwi hadn’t fallen asleep first, he would’ve seen Jinyoung smiling the slightest bit, while stroking Daehwi’s hair.

\---------------------------------------

 

Daehwi had been caught up in his work the days after that, and they hadn’t met each other in a pretty long time. Daehwi did however, call and text Jinyoung every other minute. It had reached a point where Daehwi cared about Jinyoung’s wellbeing more than his own. His condition was getting worse, the pills becoming useless. He had more trouble breathing often these days. It was partly why he kept his distance from Jinyoung, giving work as an excuse to not see each other.

Daehwi had been encouraging Jinyoung to try out more auditions. He had finally persuaded him to leave his current agency and explore new things. Jinyoung was finally putting it into action and discovering new things.

It was always Daehwi who texted or called first, always him who took the step forward. Jinyoung decided to change things this time. He quickly dialed Daehwi’s number.

“I miss you,” Jinyoung immediately announced as soon as Daehwi picked up. “I miss the sound of your voice, I miss seeing your bright smile. I miss you so much.”

“Wow,” Daehwi said. “I never thought I’d live to hear you say those words.”

“Will you come to my place tonight? I stepped into my kitchen for the first time in ages. All for you.”

“On my way, babe,” Daehwi laughed. Jinyoung felt his cheeks suddenly turn warm, and he was glad Daehwi couldn’t see him.

Jinyoung had never cooked for someone before. He felt like he had to try his best, it was the least he could do for Daehwi. He was setting the table when he heard the doorbell.

He opened the door to see Daehwi dressed in a black button up and high waisted jeans.

“Hi,” he mumbled shyly.

Daehwi pushed open the door and walked in, “Wow I smell something amazing. I can’t believe Bae Jinyoung _cooked_ for me,” he laughed.

The corner of Jinyoung’s lips slightly turned upwards unintentionally. Daehwi, however, was quick to notice it. His eyes widened in excitement.

“Jinyoung, did you just-,” he started but was quickly cut off by Jinyoung, “No, I didn’t.”

“You smiled. You totally smiled. Oh my god. I can’t believe the day has finally come. You smiled for a millisecond I swear I saw it,” he exclaimed.

Jinyoung didn’t understand why Daehwi got so excited because of a mere smile. He didn’t realize how badly Daehwi had wanted to see it.

Daehwi suddenly put his hands on Daehwi’s cheeks and cupped his face, “Do that again, please? Pleaase?” He squeezed his cheeks trying to make him smile.

“Awrite thine sosh sweeshing me,” Jinyoung replied and Daehwi let go. “This is so awkward.” Jinyoung muttered. “I can’t believe you’re getting worked up over a smile.”

“Come on, just do it! 1, 2, 3 smile!” Daehwi said cheerfully and just as Jinyoung smiled, showing off his pearly whites, the flash went off.

“What was that,” Jinyoung exclaimed in horror as the polaroid slowly came out. “I can’t believe you brought a _camera_.”

“Well, it was the first time _you_ asked to meet, the first time you said you cooked. Couldn’t have not documented it,” Daehwi smirked. “Now, all I need is to see you laugh.”

“Shut up,” Jinyoung sneered. “You’re not getting everything in one day.”

Jinyoung had cooked a simple meal of kimchi fried rice which thoroughly impressed Daehwi. “I don’t think I’ve had this good food in ages,” he said through his mouth full of food.

“It’s not even that great, you’re making such a big deal out of it,” Jinyoung uttered shyly.

“Well, when it comes to Bae Jinyoung, everything is a big deal,” Daehwi cheekily replied.

Once they were done eating, Jinyoung poured them both a glass of beer. Daehwi knew very well that he couldn’t consume too much alcohol, it would damage his already weakened lungs and immune system. He didn’t know how to say that to Jinyoung.

_Maybe one glass won’t hurt._

Smiling, he picked up his glass and clinked it with Jinyoung’s. They were drinking quietly for a while until Jinyoung suddenly said, “You know what the last straw was?”

Confused, Daehwi looked up, “What?”

Jinyoung had already finished his glass and was pouring another. “The last straw. It was when he told me to stop saying retarded things.”

Daehwi realized that he was talking about the heartbreak. They’d never really discussed it in depth before, only bits and pieces here and there.

“He could’ve been nicer, you know? All I said was that I _like_ him, more than just as a friend. I’ll never forget the way he looked at me, the way he tried to call me out for joking. And then he told me not to say retarded things. How can someone throw around that word so casually?” Jinyoung was pouring his third glass now and poured one for Daehwi too, even though he hadn’t asked.

“After all, I just said I like him, not even that I _love_ him. Was that wrong of me? Did he really have to treat me like that? I don’t understand how people can say such things so nonchalantly. Why doesn’t anybody understand that calling someone insane, depressed, retarded or bipolar is not right? His words, they really got to me. They made me feel even more worthless than I already felt.”

“He didn’t stop there. He had to go around telling everyone, acting as if it’s something really funny. He joked about it to all his friends, ‘Hey, Jinyoung keeps messing around with me saying he likes me, has he finally gone crazy?’ All, right in front of me. As if it’s the funniest thing ever.”

Jinyoung was pouring another glass for Daehwi. Wait, what? When did he finish his second? He wasn’t going to drink more than two. Why couldn’t he keep track of himself?

“It’s funny to him but those words. Those words hurt me for days, for months. I was suffering deep down and nobody had a fucking clue. All the friends I had? They were all more loyal to him, following him like a little puppy. I was so alone. I hated it. Yet, he kept doing things for me. That’s what confused me the most. I was ignoring him as much as I could, yet he was somehow getting me into new shows, without my consent.”

Daehwi was so absorbed in what Jinyoung was saying, that he didn’t notice what was going on around him. When had they walked over to Jinyoung’s bed? Why did Daehwi suddenly feel nauseous? Did he drink more after the second glass?

Jinyoung didn’t stop there. He kept talking, about how he despised his friends, how he hated this man who ruined his life, who didn’t understand him at all, treated him like a joke. Daehwi suddenly got up and felt disoriented. His mind was fuzzy, and he couldn’t breathe properly.

“Where are you going? Come back here,” said a now very tipsy Jinyoung, pulling Daehwi’s arm and bringing him back to the bed. Daehwi was sure he wasn’t drunk, he couldn’t have possibly had that much. Yet, he still felt dizzy.

Jinyoung was now lying down, and pulled Daehwi onto the bed next to him. He turned his face to meet Daehwi’s and said, “But you, _you_ came into my life and changed everything. You made these withered petals blossom into a whole flower, you made the darkness in my heart slowly light up. You showed me the thing’s I’d never seen before, opened up new worlds for me. To you, I’m so thankful, Lee Daehwi,” he laughed, a wholesome laugh Daehwi had never thought he would ever see. His eyes turned into little half-moons as he continued to flash his teeth.

_Thank you for letting me see your beautiful smile. Thank you for letting me see your laugh, even if you may not remember this tomorrow._

“Put your hand here,” Jinyoung told Daehwi, taking his pliant hand and laying it on his chest. “This heart, it beats for you.”

“You made this heart cry, soar and whimper with pain. Pain unlike any of the awful ones I’d felt before, but a pain that made me realize. You made it flow with joy, and you made it shrivel up with the longing you subjected me to. But this heart, it still beats for you.” Jinyoung slowly moved a little behind, his eyes overflowing with an unnamed emotion both of them were too scared to recognize.

Daehwi slowly put his arms around Jinyoung, and hugged him, his arms tightening into a protective embrace. He leaned his forehead against Jinyoung’s neck, and let out a sigh, once laced heavily with regret and sorrow. He knew he wouldn’t be around for much longer, yet, couldn’t help himself from comforting Jinyoung.

It was almost instinctual, this need to protect. It felt foreign, but yet, felt like coming home.

_Home. Daehwi realized he was finally home._

He removed his face from where he had buried it in Jinyoung’s neck and looked at him with adoration. How did so much happen, within such a short span of time, how did their relationship blossom into something so beautiful? Daehwi was actually thankful, thankful that Jinyoung was under the influence of alcohol, causing him to not restrict his words, making his emotions flow out freely.

Daehwi traced his finger on Jinyoung’s cheek and trailed it down to his lips. He slowly leaned forward and pressed his own against Jinyoung’s, conveying all he wanted to say with that one kiss.

_Thank you, and I’m sorry._

Daehwi took out his polaroid camera and turned it to face them. “Jinyoung, will you smile for me, please?” _One last time._

He put his arm around Jinyoung and pulled him closer, Jinyoung smiling a lazy smile with his eyes half closed, and Daehwi’s smile, filled with sorrow.

Daehwi took the developed photo and slipped it into Jinyoung’s wallet. Words weren’t forming on his lips. He didn’t know how else to express the hundred different emotions he was feeling, all at once. As he was walking back towards the bed, a pounding sensation filled his head. He clutched at it, trying to make it go away.

It looked like Jinyoung wasn’t finished yet. “When Jihoon tore my heart into pieces, it was your love and patience that put it back together, piece by piece,” Jinyoung said hollowly. “I was in a dark place. The shiny blade in my kitchen kept beckoning me like a siren to a sailor, yet it was you, Daehwi, who reminded me everyday that I was still human and I was still alive. I can’t believe it tok me so long to realize that I would die a thousand times, if at the end of those times, I could be with you and not him. If I could go back and devote my love on solely you, my God, Daehwi, I would. I would.”

Daehwi staggered back, the weight of the world laying heavily on his shoulders. A single word was ringing clearly in his head. Jihoon. Jihoon? It couldn’t be the same Jihoon, of course. Could it? The Jihoon that tore me apart into fragments? He tried to think of all that Jinyoung had mentioned about him. His coffee coloured eyes that crinkled at the corners everytime he smiled. His honey-like voice that could melt the heart of millions. His ignorance and disgust towards a different kind of love. It couldn’t be him, right?

Daehwi rubbed his aching heart, begging for some relief. He slowly pieced it all together. How Jihoon had written ‘actor’ when they were asked to write down where they see themselves 5 years in the future. How he vowed to become a star loved by the whole nation. Daehwi and Jinyoung had formed an unspoken agreement to never disclose the identity of the man. Now that it had accidentally slipped from Jinyoung’s mouth, Daehwi felt shattered.

_No, no way. This isn’t seriously happening right now._

Why was the universe so cruel?

\----------------------------------------------

Jinyoung woke up the next day around noon and found himself tightly hugging a pillow. His head felt like it would explode any second, he felt queasy and wanted to retch. He got up and sat straight for a minute, trying to remember why he was in such a state.

He lumbered to the washroom, blanket trailing behind him. He felt the usual itch at his throat, and was ready for the downpour of the petals. But they didn’t come. He coughed each time for it to come out dry. It suddenly dawned upon him that nothing had happened yesterday either. Wait, was he free from it? Did his wretched feelings finally go away? He couldn’t believe it.

I need to tell Daehwi, he thought. Daehwi will be so happy. He ran in ecstasy to get his phone when his eyes suddenly fell upon his wallet sitting next to the lamp. How did that get here?

He opened it to find a picture neatly inserted in the translucent flap. He took it out and saw himself, eyes closed and smiling, smiling like he’d had all the happiness in the world. Jinyoung looked at the boy next to him. Lee Daehwi. He had a regretful smile on, and his hand was around Jinyoung’s shoulder.

Slowly, he started to recall last night’s events. The dinner he’d cooked for Daehwi. How much did they drink last night? Jinyoung vaguely remembered pouring his heart out to Daehwi, telling him everything he had kept bottled up this whole time. ‘Did I really do that? Me?’ Jinyoung thought to himself.

If things had gone correctly, wouldn’t Daehwi be next to him right now? Why was Jinyoung alone when he woke up? What happened that made Daehwi leave all of a sudden?

He knew he didn’t do anything wrong. He couldn’t have. What was it that made Daehwi so upset that he left? He wasn’t that kind of person.

He quickly washed up and dialed Daehwi’s number. Was there a hole in his memories? What exactly did he say?

“Hi, this-,”

“Daehwi, are you okay? What—”

“-is Daehwi. I’m not available right now, so please leave your message after the beep.”

Jinyoung threw his phone on his bed in exasperation. Daehwi was _always_ available. Especially during the day. On top of that, he always picked up on the second or third ring. This was so unlike him.

Confused and frustrated, Jinyoung dialed over and over again, and was met with the same blank rings and Daehwi’s cheerful voice in the automated message.

After a couple of tries, he decided it was pointless. He was almost about to end the call when someone picked up on the final ring. “Hello? Daehwi?” he gasped into the phone.

“Who is this?” a shrill female voice replied back.

“Where’s Daehwi? What happened?” Jinyoung shouted. “I’m Jinyoung who are you?”

“Mr Bae Jinyoung?”

“Yes, yes that’s me. What’s going on?” he cried.

“I need you to head over here right away,” she replied and rattled an address to a nearby hospital. Jinyoung hung up in shock. Hospital? What was Daehwi doing at a hospital?

He hurriedly ran through the streets like a madman, too impatient to hire a cab or even look at the map. He ran and ran, somehow finally reaching the huge building that loomed upon him.

He rushed to the reception, “Where is Daehwi? Lee Daehwi, where is he?”

He followed the nurse, who took him through flights of stairs until they finally stood in front of a large door.

“You should go in,” the nurse whispered.

Jinyoung threw open the hospital door, his heart beating like a 110 km/h express train, his eyes wild with desperation and fear. “Daehwi!” He cried out loud and ran towards the pale, sickly figure on the pristine white bed. Jinyoung couldn’t, wouldn’t, believe that his lively, energetic and caring Daehwi has been reduced to a crippled human on the hospital bed.

Daehwi lay on the bed, unmoving. His eyes were closed, his expression serene and peaceful. There was the slightest hint of a smile on his cracked, pale lips.

Jinyoung didn’t understand. He didn’t understand at all. Why was Daehwi sleeping on a hospital bed? Why did Daehwi look so broken, so fragile?

He saw a middle-aged man sitting next to Daehwi’s bed, holding his hand in his. What was happening?

He knelt down next to Daehwi and tried shaking him. “Daehwi, wake up. What are you doing here?” he started vigorously shaking him.

“Daehwi, it’s me. It’s Jinyoung. I’m here. Please wake up,” he shouted, tears forming at the thought of the impossible.

The man suddenly looked up at him. “You’re Jinyoung?” he asked. He took out a slip of pink paper from his pocket. It was crumpled and torn at the edges. “He was holding this when he collapsed. It’s for you,” he said and handed him the paper.

Collapsed? What?

“What are you talking about?” Jinyoung screamed. “What do you mean he collapsed?”

“His lungs finally gave away. They could not take it anymore. He was found on the streets at 6 am today, clutching nothing but this one piece of paper,” he sobbed.

Jinyoung did not believe him. No way. Daehwi, of all people would not collapse. _Daehwi. His Daehwi._

He opened the wrinkled, crushed piece of paper and began reading. He could not believe what was written. No, he refused to believe what was written.

 

_To be opened by Bae Jinyoung only._

_Dear Jinyoung,_

_If you are reading this right now, it means that I am no longer with you. I have been dreading this day ever since I met you, but fate has its weird ways. Sadly, some things are just inevitable. Before I start to explain, I want to say two simple words. I’m sorry. For what? You’ll see. But there is not a single moment I regret with you. I know that we were brought together for a reason. I honestly never believed in things like fate, until I met you. Every single second, I have been so thankful to have met you. Every single day, I prayed to God to let me live for another day. Please let me live to see him smile. Please let me live to see his beautiful laugh. I prayed for your own well-being than mine. Hoped every single day that you would be free of the toxic disease called love which consumed you. By the time you are reading this, hopefully you have been cured. Hopefully, I have done my job right. Before I tell you the truth, I want to ask you to do something for me. Promise me that you won’t be distressed because of what has happened to me, instead cherish the happy moments we spent together and live your life being happy. That is all I want from you, and I hope you fulfil my wish._

_I know you know about my heartbreak. I know you know about my suffering, the hardships I went through, and how overcame it all. But what you don’t know is that the aforementioned pain I’m talking about, was caused by the exact same person who ruined your life. Yes, him. I do not wish to mention his name since this letter is about us, for us. I was just as surprised when I found out. But like I said, fate is definitely really strange._

_Another thing you need to know is that I suffered from a disease exactly like yours, a disease caused due to unrequited love. Unlike your case, I did not cough out petals. I could not, no matter how much I tried. They piled up in my lungs, forcing me to strain myself each time and vomit them out. After I got over my feelings, it was too late to take any action. My lungs had been infected which led to a chronic pulmonary disease. I’ve been my best not to let it show, to make you never see that side of me. All I want for you was happiness, and only showed my positive sides._

_Bae Jinyoung, please remember that you’re the best thing that has happened to my life. I could never be more thankful to have spent my last moments with you. I wish you all the happiness and joy in the world. I’m sad I could not spend more time with you. I’m sad I met you so late. But knowing that I have helped someone, that I have made a change, is enough to make me satisfied._

_Jinyoung, I love you. I will always love you._

_Farewell._

**Author's Note:**

> i'm sorry it was so rushed and long, i tried my best to condense it.  
> please do leave any feedback or constructive criticism, would greatly appreciate it since its my first work and i would like to work on my mistakes.  
> thanks for reading!


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